Are you a good son or daughter of the Church of our lord, Murphy? You know that He is always watching, He sees everything and everyone, and His wrath is awesome. Tread carefully, lest ye bring it down upon you.
Murphy is above us, and around us. He is everywhere, and everywhere his influence is felt. Did you slip on a rock today? Or have your car break down? Did something that seemed the random chance happen to go the very worst possible way? Heed his warnings! For you have felt the presence of Murphy Himself. Take heed, and repent. Pray to Him, asking for forgiveness, and for mercy. For Murphy can be merciful if you are truly sincere.
Be grateful! For once, Murphy was not so kind. Back ages ago, when Raptor Jesus walked the Earth and did battle with our Lord, even the slightest of sins would see us cast from Him. He had no choice, for he was fighting for his Life against the evil one. But when Raptor Jesus was finally cast down, and Murphy gained His utter dominion of the Earth, life grew orderly. And those who are loyal are rewarded.
Let us pray.
Hear us, O Murphy, and heed our prayers. Stay far from us, and those we love. But take up our enemies in your close embrace. Deliver us from your touch, until the end of time. Amen.
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