Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Longest Nights

The thing I hate most about being sick is the nights. I always have trouble sleeping, mostly from having a clogged up nose. Tonight it's that as well as a really bad case of the chills. I'm under my big blanket, and I'm fully dressed with a jacket on. Plus (and my roommate might kill me when he wakes up sweating), I have the AC turned to full blast on full hot. And I'm still freezing.

In general though, I think the worst thing is actually not the physical problems, but a distinct sense of loneliness. It always happens when I get sick and I'm laying in bed awake. It's dark, everyone else is asleep, and I'm there alone. In that state of mind everything seems exaggerated. I do have very few friends, but they are all great ones. But during this time the only thing I can think about is how few they are, and how far away. I've been on dates here and there, been in a full on relationship. But during these times the only thing I can think about is how empty the bed is, how empty my received texts folder is, the zero calls I've gotten from someone so close I can share everything with them. My family is the greatest ever, my parents are both still married, they are paying for me to go to college. They love each other, and they are always doing things for me. But on these nights I only think about the rough parts. My dad yelling at my mom, my mom holding things in, times when I can see unhappiness peeking out.

These nights are terrible, and I'm glad this one is almost over, even if I am dead tired and feeling like crap. This one did start out better though. One of my best friends pushed me into getting Batman Arkham City, and I played it for a while while texting her back and forth about it, and a good time was had. Eventually she went to bed though, and so here I am.

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