1. Being gay isn't natural. Real Americans reject unnatural things like eyeglasses and oral sex.
2. Same-sex marriage will encourage people to be gay, just as hanging around tall people makes you tall.
3. Same-sex marriage will open the door to very strange behavior. People may even marry animals, since pets have legal standing and can sign a contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all. Women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if same-sex marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people should't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Same-sex marriage is not supported by reIigion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female. That’s why we forbid single parents from raising children.
10. Same-sex marriage will change the foundation of society. We could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven’t adapted to cars or longer life.
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